Now that President Trump is a reality, everyone is trying to figure out who he’ll appoint to his cabinet.
Rumors are circulating around Rudy Giuliani, Chris Christie and Steve Bannon, who all helped Trump get elected, but we really won’t know until Trump announces them.
Seeing as how Trump has already appointed a climate change skeptic to lead the EPA transition, I have a few predictions for where he’ll go with some of the other positions he has yet to appoint.
Secretary of State
Prediction: Newt Gingrich wearing a Ring of Power, forged by the elven-smiths of Eregion under the order of Sauron in the Second Age of Middle Earth.
The Secretary of State advises the president on foreign policy and negotiates treaties with foreign powers. Newt Gingrich seems like a shoo-in ever since he found that Ring of Power at the bottom of a lake this summer.
Secretary of the Treasury
Prediction: Mr. Buck Moneyman
Who better to control the IRS and print money than the man whose family money was named after, Mr. Buck Moneyman? Buck loves money, eats money, drinks gold and lives under a pile of coins in the lowest level of Fort Knox.
Secretary of Defense
Prediction: The angry guy you play pickup basketball with, just kind of shuffling from side to side with his arms spread out, along the nation’s border.
This guy never phones in his defense, no matter how lighthearted the game is, so he should make a good secretary.
Prediction: Rudy Giuliani, but he’s gonna wear a full military general uniform because he’s confused.
Secretary of the Interior
Prediction: A Westworld horse with its intelligence bumped up to like 6 or 7.
Secretary of Agriculture
Prediction: A factory chicken who’s like, shockingly positive about living in a cage.
Secretary of Commerce
Prediction: Every Trump son tied together yelling as loud as they can.
Secretary of Labor
Prediction: Who was that person from the movie Holes, who made them work really hard digging holes? Did that happen in that film? They’ll be the Secretary of Labor.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
Prediction: My school nurse who once gave me an Advil after I cut myself real bad in shop class.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Prediction: A rat who somehow has a master key to every building in the city.
Secretary of Transportation
Prediction: A woman stuck in standstill traffic who needed to pick her sons up from lacrosse practice 20 minutes ago so they could make it to dinner with their grandparents.
Secretary of Energy
Prediction: Julian Assange holding a power strip.
Secretary of Education
Prediction: A stack of those VHS tapes that teachers put on when they’re hungover.
Environmental Protection Agency
Prediction: The guy from your high school who wore shorts literally every day of the year no matter the temperature.