Sex is fun. Infections and unwanted pregnancies aren’t. Condoms have allowed more rubberized merriment than bouncy castles, and the two can be combined for even more recreation. But just like my grandmother used to say, “Given enough time, all awesome dick-related inventions will be nut-slapped by inventors who don’t know what the fuck they’re doing.” For instance …
# 8. The Condom With A Hole In It
Someone designed a condom with a defect in it for those wanting to be pregnant. That’s a stupidly old-time meaning even as a parody, never mind as a real invention.
Expecting a perfectly cylindrical penis, as only robots could control those minuscule linkages during sex .
Look at that schematic of natural disasters. Part 34 is a fibre you draw to exhaust reinforcing echoing 122 just before interjection. Imagine fondling between all those legs trying to gather a string like you’re opening a parachute ten hoofs from impact. And let’s not overlook the phrase “reinforcing ring.” No question how I paint that, it seems painful. I symbolize, by definition it would be made of a hard textile, right? You’re counting on it not to snap or trigger under all the slippy accentuates of sex until they pluck it for the world’s worst defendant popper. I obstruct envisaging that echoing perforating into the end of a dick and all over the other person’s insides, and I can’t stop stirring the “OH DEAR GOD NO” face.
Those concepts never even work in your hand
Why would you use this? According to the designer 😛 TAGEND The condom may be used by couples wishing to conceive a child but who want to reduce the risk that an illness or virus, etc. will be overtook from one person to the other … A rope is connected to the envelop is also possible pulled to remove the handle from the distal flaw immediately prior to interjection .
That’s the most terrifyingly impossible biology outside of an Alien movie. I’m amazed they didn’t design a Stork Mesh — a fencing with openings large enough to allow infants but too small for storks — to keep watchful parents from fowl flu. If there’s enough flowing exchange for idea, there’s channel more than enough for illnes. This just guarantees that even catching the disease is clumsy and painful.
# 7. Ballpoint Pen, Hidden Condom
This is the worst nerdy fornication fantasize I’ve ever seen, and I expended my entire teenage life alone producing them. It’s an attempt to extend the pocket protectors’ domain to your genitals with a ballpoint pencil which hides two condoms. Just in case your recently completed maths performance subtracted the underwear from your gathering, and now they want to add your inputs.
A write for your P-nis and Q .
It’s appalling optimism summon and writing big, and it’s likewise the world’s worst pen. Examine at the inkwell in part 29. You could view more ink in an actual penis. You’d have to be get laid twice per signature to use this before it ranged out. And the schematic is all well and good from the side, but remember that pens are cylinders. How are they scrunching up the condoms to fit? You’d need tweezers and a certain degree in origami to unpick and unwrap them. Which is going to take far more time than what you save clicking open a pen instead of contacting for a purse, handbag, pocket, drawer, or literally any other part capable of accumulating objects.
To say nothing of when the pencil unavoidably leakages and your bed sheets become the first Rorschach test to objectively look like genitals.
# 6. The Condom Applicator Cross
The difficulty of putting on condoms is the airline nutrient of sexual feeling. But let’s be real here: Condoms simply aren’t that hard to put on after a little practise. And even though we, this impossibly stupid fucking pass circumstance isn’t going to help.
We can’t tell if it’s more sacrilegious or stupid
They claim that you can save hassle with this simple four-point procedure for preparing the pre-insertion portion of the condom application period 😛 TAGEND In the preferred embodiment, the pocket at the tip-off of the condom from which breeze is obliged out as by twisting is held in a crack cut in the center of a rectangular deprive pertained on the condom from one surface of its base along the duration to the tip-off and then back along to the other side of the basi, and which is provided with pull tabs extended laterally from the center of told row where the slit is out .
NASA’s pre-launch procedures aren’t so needlessly complicated. And are demonstrably hotter.
“We are at T minus 10 for condom deployment.”
This isn’t a helpful tool; it’s an ironic punishment designed by asexual ascetics. If you find it hard to throw a condom on a cock, you’re going to find it impossible to feed the tip-off of lubricated latex through a minuscule incision in a rigid crucifix. This is the less sex version of coercing a camel through the eye of a needle, with even more disturbing implications.
# 5. The Motorized Self-Destructing Condom
Vibration is all kinds of fun. Adding motorized toys is the ultimate cyborg future — utilizing our mechanical betterments to experience our biological constituents. Science-fiction movies waste time with bullshit about losing your humanity when you’re super strong or bulletproof, but stir no mistake: As long as your society polyalloy battle chassis can still succeeded, you’ll still be human rights and you’ll still be happy. That’s why RoboCop was always frowning, despite been successful at every operation he ever had.
But these sexual structures have to be extremely well-designed. Otherwise, putting mechanical parts near tender membranes is a recipe for disaster. Or, in the case of this patent, a schematic for disaster.
The Death Star didn’t have such a clearly distinguished shortcoming .
This patent gives a minuscule motor into your condom. The problem is that engines that width don’t actually exist at the budget stage of “disposable.” And if they’re not disposable, they’re basically disease dipsticks. Besides, if we had machines that small-minded and sensitive, we wouldn’t requirement turbo-charged condoms, because we’d already have antiseptic sex bots to vibrate all over our every need.
No, these will be terminated with the motors you get in shitty dollar-store playthings. Like those friction machines which grind and shoot showers of flickers like a genital firework. At best, this motor’s merely going to go wrong and rip up the condom. At worst, it’ll start snarling up the very near scalp and FHJGHIH. Sorry, I precisely fastened over clutching my crotch so quickly that I headbutted the keyboard.
# 4. The Condom With LOTS Of Holes In It
What’s the last circumstance you’d do to a condom before using it? How about constructing a Rube Goldberg machine to drill millions of defects in it?
I always thought that having sex with lasers would be more breathtaking .
This factory-line laser blaster is something Skynet would construct if it craved humanity to wipe itself out through overpopulation. But why would a human wear it? Here’s an explanation from the discoverer( whom we don’t recommend touching without heavy gauntlets ):
Wait, did they just call smart beings sheep fuckers?
“Well, an Artiodactyla shouldn’t kiss and tell, but me and Einstein … ”
Forget the gloves; don’t breathe breath in the same room as them without a spacesuit if you don’t wishes to donate your epithet to three brand-new animal diseases.
“Other bio-active fluids”? Sex isn’t a superpower-granting coincidence; it only feels that space. If someone can’t even name all the fluids exchanged during fornication, then they actually shouldn’t be deciding which should get through. This is a condom which won’t stop illness, and unless it’s made of adamantium foil, those tiny gaps are going to be stretched, this is why it won’t stop pregnancy either. You certainly would be better off use a colander as a prophylactic, because at the least its layout would foreclose penetration. Or get you into a fetish which doesn’t jeopardy conception.
# 3. The Condom With Tits
New textures can be a lot of enjoyable, but you can’t change the composition of your genitals without serious medical problems. Which would interfere with your ability and/ or your partner’s willingness to have sex. Novelty condoms can give you both different inclinations. In this case, that sense is eternal shame.
H. R. Giger going into contraception . Paging Dr. Freud, Code Red. Earnestly, look at that bullshit. There is absolutely no excuse in the patent, other than person with a strange Total Recall fetish. The entire textbook of the patent is 😛 TAGEND
That’s it! That’s all! That is the entire text of the amount claimed! This being came up with “tits on a condom” and think, “That’s it. That is all I can, or had intended to, contribute to this banal world-wide. My genius pronounces for itself.”
Though to be honest, it did introduce the word “titdick” to my offense vocabulary. So at the least there’s an upside.
# 2. The Force-Sensitive Sound-Playing Condom
A “force-sensitive” condom should brighten in the dark, manufacture lightsaber chimes, and still be more merriment to watch for two hours than The Phantom Menace . And hey, speaking of expensive, ridiculously-designed adversities 😛 TAGEND
It had better be playing “Ride Of The Valkyries”
The system gamblings chimes when contacts 28 and 30 are pressed together. Seem at them 😛 TAGEND
Oh yeah, we all know how much action that point gets
Those contacts don’t “ve got something to” do with the piercing or penetration; they’re only buttons placed somewhere nearby. The resonate merely prompts when the bloke isn’t merely all the practice in, but actively trying to fuse his groin with his partner. And if a person is having fornication with a girl, an invention couldn’t lead more incorrect than focusing on thumping the small sensitive country above the insert on the male. I entail, I assure a loosely possible upside in trying to make a video game out of aiming that thought at the clitoris, but that’s only possible in one plight. Throw over to doggy style, and you’re now trying to give her butthole bang effects.
The scariest percentage is that the patent remarks this sonic screwdriver “has price as a merriment gift.” Imagine a sidekick siding this to you. Which means they’ve already pre-loaded a sound test. They’ve sat down and thought about what sound influence your fornication should have. And the only way to be informed about is to hammer hard enough to initiation it. It moves copulation into an amusement park “Test Your Strength” machine with even cheaper voice effects.
# 1. An Inflatable Condom!
This patent was absolutely designed in a schoolyard by a kid who’d totally done it, like, 20 durations, with thousands and thousands of different wives, and they all had a thousand orgasms each. But you wouldn’t know them, because they all live in Utah.
Is this for copulation or for popping out of cans as a practical joke ?
That cartoonish bulb consider this to be it’s overstating to inadvertently punch Wile E. Coyote in the face. We didn’t know ACME even prepared sex playthings, but if they did, they’d look about this erotic and concern almost as many sheer physical impossibilities. Depict person running away at both their development partners and that little hand-ball, clutching it like the world’s most misguided squeaky toy.
“Hey, are you making a party balloon or OH MY GOD.”
Accounting for the various types penis sizes is important. If someone’s is getting ready to put in the effort or implements to make sure their partner is satisfied, that is always a good occasion, and not to be mocked. But spouting them like a bicycle tire isn’t the way to go. Specially when there’s the unavoidably horrific internal implosion, and developing pressurized farting. As a condom, it’s going to be made of thin disposable textile, but you’d require Richard Branson’s hot air balloon to take this type of pressures.
To say nothing of the hopeless pneumatic push requirements to inflate that thing between two thrusting humen. It would feel like trying to encourage an increasingly unwilling inflatable fornication doll. The recipient would feel like their internal holes are being substance with air pockets, as if they were being prepared for postage. Though trying to inflict one of the following options on your partner truly would be the ultimate contraceptive, as you’d never have sex again. But as a pregnancy and STD prevention tool, I theorize it does have some application. The inflation would push the condom away from your penis, so you’re effectively fucking breath. It totally removes the most important point part for interjection: resistance. So at its core, the inflatable condom is an exercise in abstinence-only prevention. Because if you can’t ejaculate, you can’t spread your disgusting, disease-infested seed.
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